Doubt

Realizing I needed a Savior at the tender age of 7, I began my now lifelong journey of faith. 35 years later, my faith doesn’t look like I ever thought it would or could. Other people’s faith’s don’t look like I thought. Our personal faith’s come in all different sizes, shapes & colors. Some people get to live in (as a friend called it) the pretty little thatched roof bungalow of faith…like a Thomas Kincaid painting…inviting, full of light, and cozy. Deep doubts over the Truth are almost non-existant. Their faith is still very real and deep and beautiful, but it’s not hard for them to believe. Other people’s faith is like an endless desert or wilderness…stark but still full of life; also full of depth and beauty yet often a struggle for survival. Other people live somewhere in between. I’ve spent a lot of my life thinking that eventually everyone who professed Christ should end up in the bungalow. I don’t believe that anymore.

I don’t know about you, but I often doubt my faith. I doubt the validity of the claims of Christ, I doubt that the Bible is really the Word of God. I doubt there’s a God. I doubt just about everything related to this “faith” we call Christianity. Why do I doubt? Partly because it’s who I am to question. Partly because I confuse religion for faith. And partly because the claims of Christianity seem ludicris…I mean One God becoming man to save us?? A being beyond us, controlling the universe? C’mon.
But amid all the doubts, I still believe. Why do I still believe? Is it habit? Superstition? Fear? Lack of reflection? Lack of reason? Laziness? Because Christianity “works”? Because I see evidence of God in nature, humanity, the universe, even myself?
The simple, truthful answer is, I don’t have a choice but to believe.
There have been times in my life when I wanted to stop believing; wanted to embrace secular humanism, existentialism or rationalism.
Those times have indeed led me to searching the Bible and asking other’s what and why they believe.
But ultimately, it’s not reading the Bible more, or praying more, or seeing God in people around me, or remembering His faithfulness that keeps me believing.
It’s this abstract, absolutely uncontainable, indescribable, very real Thing that goes beyond my reason and beyond my feeling and beyond the definable that keeps holding on to me.
So even when I try to let go, I can’t. It’s got me. I cannot not believe.
Even with my doubts and inability to live in the tidy little bungalow, I still believe.
I know that by merely expressing my thoughts, doubts and questions, many of you may doubt me and be very uncomfortable with this entry. But my hope is, that others who aren’t sure will continue searching and may be taken captive by this utterly unbelievable God.

Creed by Rich Mullins track #13 on player
I believe in God the Father almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontius Pilate
He was crucified and dead and buried
And I believe what I believe

It’s what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not
The invention of any man
I believe that He who suffered

Was crucified, buried, and dead
He descended into hell and
On the third day, rose again
He ascended into Heaven where
He sits at God’s mighty right hand
I believe that He’s returning to
Judge the quick and the dead
Of the sons of men
I believe it, I believe it I believe it I believe it, I believe it
I believe in God the Father almighty

Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son,
Our Lord I believe in the Holy Spirit
One Holy Church, the communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sin
I believe in the resurrection
I believe in a life that never ends
And I believe what I believe

It’s what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not
The invention of any man

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Doubt

  1. I came back to read it again, Patty.

    As I take a second look, I humbly ask if I can link to this from my blog.

    Would you mind if I sent readers over at GDWJ your way?

    Anyone who has ever experienced doubt ought to read this. For that matter, anyone who has NEVER experienced doubt (yet) should also read this.

  2. Delighted to find your site! I just hopped over from Jennifer's site. Goodness my sweet, your vulnerability, your realness, your life lived for our Lord, spills into my home and encourages me today. Keep sharing, keep writing, your words are reaching the nations.

    Blessings from Costa RIca,
    Sarah Dawn

  3. Patty, one of my favorite guys in all of the Word is Thomas. He not only doubted, but he also asked the hard questions out loud so he could believe.

    Honestly, I think he did the dirty work for those who didn't quite have the courage to ask Him the hard questions themselves. I'm convinced their ears perked up whenever they heard him talking to Jesus so they could have their own unspoken doubts addressed.

    The constant tension between doubt and belief — Mark 9 dad style — is my life daily.

    I just ventured in from Jennifer's, and I'm awfully glad. You've said a lot here, none of it simple but all of it hits home.

    Thanks!

  4. Wow!

    “It's this abstract, absolutely uncontainable, indescribable, very real Thing that goes beyond my reason and beyond my feeling and beyond the definable that keeps holding on to me.”

    That fact alone – that even though I doubt, continue to sin and screw up every day – that He keeps holding on to me is reason to give it all to him!

    Your vulnerability and “realness” is staggering, but why I love you blog!

  5. Oh can you tell God is using you?? : ) This is such a brave and wonderful post! We have all been the doubting Thomas, but God is so patient with us–so faithful to show himself real to us in the midst of our questioning!

  6. Pingback: Practicing Faith « Flirting with Eternity

  7. Pingback: Spray-painted Confessions | Flirting with Eternity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s