this life…

***please, dear reader, please, know that I’m ok…deep in my heart, I’m ok. I feel like I’m called to be really honest, in this very public blog, even though I may be misunderstood. My husband read it and said “Do you have a point?” The truthful answer is, not necessarily. I know what my words are to me, I have no idea what they’ll be to you. That being said, read on.***

i’m so tired.
there are days, today being one of them, i’m exhausted with this life.
i see grey in front of me and grey behind me and grey encompassing me.
where’s the color in this life?
this past weekend while watching a pbs show, this emotional life, i found out that part of the brain of a person who suffers from depression is smaller than most people’s.
ohhhh, so that’s why i struggle with depression, why this life is grey.
i have a little brain.
great, that’s very helpful.
what next.
i can’t make my hippocampus bigger.
so this is it.
this is life…
abundant? actually it is…
joyful? in my deep heart i am…
faith filled? i’m still here, believing…
good? yeah, despite the grey, life is good.
it doesn’t look the way i expected, this life.
i don’t feel like i think i should or how i always want to feel in this life.
but GOD is here in this life.
he doesn’t look the way i think he should look.
he doesn’t act in ways i understand.
GOD is here in this life.
i know he is, because i still am. here. breathing. living.
mysterious. silent at times. confusing.
but GOD is here in this life.
are you doubting him in this life?
wondering if he’s real?
i consider the fact that i’m alive…functioning…hopefully adding to society in a positive way… as proof that there is a GOD in this life.
and although i don’t often understand much about him, he does care.


6 Replies to “this life…”

  1. I get this. I am not sure if I struggle with depression or not, which is to say I probably do. But I do know someone close to me does and he is in the slimiest of pits right now.

    I needed to read this today to help cope with his burden, and also to pass on to him. Unlike you, he doesn't see God as caring; he believes God is silent and is rather enjoying his pain and suffering.

    In all this, this is one more tool I pray will serve as hope.

    Be blessed, Patty!

  2. Even in your pain, you minister. And you do so incredibly poetically. I hope that's not inappropriate here, to ooh and aah over your writing at a time like this…. But my point, Patty, is that God is using your gifts to minister to those around you, even in the midst of your hurt.

    You're an incredibly beautiful soul.

    I love you. And I “get” you.

  3. Patty, I love your honesty. I've struggled with depression also and oppressive thoughs. I can say that as long as we are in a flesh body and in a flesh mind, we will deal with emotions and thoughts. I heard a teaching recently that when we were born again, it was our spirit that was reborn. Our soul (mind, will, and emotions)and our body wasn't. The Word says be “transformed by the renewing of our mind” It's a process. Whether it has a biological root or not, is not beyond the reach of God.
    I feel that you are an incredibly compassionate feeling person and so transparent. That is a gift. God is having you be this way to reach others who may never consider Jesus in any other way. We have a spiritual enemy too who is more than willing to seek whom he may devour and he brings all the ghastly thoughts and emotions our way to take us down. But if he really had that power he would have taken us out long ago. He can't! We are in God's hand and no one can snatch us out.
    Sorry this is so long-winded! As you can see I'm passionate about this! I pray that your gift would be channeled for His glory and I feel God's love for you–never having met you in person. God brought a divine connection!
    (Oh and by the way–I've moved my blog to wordpress!) Love you, Annie

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