Peace and Blessings

Last night we watched a great flick. Truly.  But during a critical scene, I simply didn’t believe the actress.  Her emotions didn’t match the intensity of the situation.  It’s as if she knew how it would end.

I’m afraid this post will be like that today.  Visions of carefully crafted vignettes showing my deep appreciation and love for my community floated around in my head.  But trying to put it all together, it fell apart.  I simply lack the skills necessary to articulate the depth and intensity of emotion I feel right now.  But I attempt it none the less.

Looking back over the last year, if I were summing it up in one word, loneliness proves the most apt descriptor.  Because of the season of life and different circumstances, I’m alone in my own brain most of every day.  If you’ve ever struggled with depression on any level, you know that being stuck in your own head is dangerous.

But as I reflect on the year through grateful eyes I can see more than the long lonely silent days.

I see…

happy, healthy, growing children.

a loving man who embraces me for who I am and isn’t afraid, intimidated or put off by my sometimes annoying behavior.

a church family that shows Truth, Grace, Faith and Love to me at every bend in the road.

family and friends who challenge and love, not only me, but others.

a country that, although rift with problems, still inspires hope.

and a God that loves me.  Really loves me and holds me when I have no strength or even desire to hold Him.

Sitting here, at my table, enjoying my coffee while a barely dead bird roasts in the oven, I realize and see that I am, despite how I feel at times, a blessed woman.

Portions of Psalm 73…  Then I realized that my heart was bitter,  and I was all torn up inside.  I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. 

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7 thoughts on “Peace and Blessings

  1. Patty. You quote Moonstruck and Holes. You understand margins. You think, on purpose. And now, you quote #73.

    Why have I not known you before?

    Here’s the thing I come back to — a lot — in 73: ‘When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me…” (I try, way too hard) “…till I entered the sanctuary of God…” (If I would just settle down in his holy place, let him do the speaking, the multitude of my own thoughts wisp away like smoke.)

    A rich and restful Thanksgiving to you and those around you, Patty. I’m grateful for how he blesses me through you.

    • Thank you, Lyla! A blessed holiday to you as well.

      I love your thoughts on Psalm 73; it is, without a doubt, my life passage. And I love that we know each other now! 🙂

  2. I’m so thankful for how God blesses me through you too, Patty. You are such an incredible person on so many levels AND I get to be your sister. I love you. You’re on my Thanksgiving blessings’ list! Love you.

    By the way, what was the movie? 🙂

    • Love you too, dear.
      And the movie was Secretariat. Again, great movie but honestly, Diane Lane is a crappy actress. She only pulled it off because there’s not much depth to the character. But I digress.

  3. Oh, I know this, Patty, I know! Undoubtedly not in exactly the same way you do in this season, but your words ring so true. The deep, undergirding, sometimes overwhelming loneliness (both self-inflicted and circumstantial) – but still, the goodness and blessing that shines through at times, that’s been there all the way through, only shrouded by our own faithlessness and ingratitude … and then the profound inadequacy to express the feeling of smallness and the paradoxical glory of those moments of truth. Yes, you write to my heart, as you often do.

    (Also, the almost dead bird part was a wondersome touch. We’ve had a lot of those in our collective Erwin life lately.) 🙂

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