Last night we watched a great flick. Truly. But during a critical scene, I simply didn’t believe the actress. Her emotions didn’t match the intensity of the situation. It’s as if she knew how it would end.
I’m afraid this post will be like that today. Visions of carefully crafted vignettes showing my deep appreciation and love for my community floated around in my head. But trying to put it all together, it fell apart. I simply lack the skills necessary to articulate the depth and intensity of emotion I feel right now. But I attempt it none the less.
Looking back over the last year, if I were summing it up in one word, loneliness proves the most apt descriptor. Because of the season of life and different circumstances, I’m alone in my own brain most of every day. If you’ve ever struggled with depression on any level, you know that being stuck in your own head is dangerous.
But as I reflect on the year through grateful eyes I can see more than the long lonely silent days.
happy, healthy, growing children.
a loving man who embraces me for who I am and isn’t afraid, intimidated or put off by my sometimes annoying behavior.
a church family that shows Truth, Grace, Faith and Love to me at every bend in the road.
family and friends who challenge and love, not only me, but others.
a country that, although rift with problems, still inspires hope.
and a God that loves me. Really loves me and holds me when I have no strength or even desire to hold Him.
Sitting here, at my table, enjoying my coffee while a barely dead bird roasts in the oven, I realize and see that I am, despite how I feel at times, a blessed woman.
Portions of Psalm 73… Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.