The quest

Reading through my Dad’s journal’s this morning, I found this entry from 1991.  I love it because it marks the beginning of a specific journey for my Dad and also because I believe it’s the only written account of his story of conversion.  Although we, his family, know many more details of his faith story, this is a personalized record of what happened in his mind and heart and what he hoped his life would reflect.

Journal

I start this journal today, 12-14-91, not knowing where it will take me, but having an urgency and sense to record thoughts, actions, readings, direction that are compelling to me.  Through this writing I hope to think and speak with more clarity as I have to grapple with my thoughts and inner emotions.  My recent meditations and readings have been involved in philosophical and theological processes that have been opening new, wide vistas for me.  I am learning material regarding history, anthropology, epistemology that I have not been exposed to in the past.  This leaves me with a sense of awe over what has gone on in the past and a sense of shame because of not having learned about these things (philosophy, history, theology, epistemology) before.  the Greek and Hebrew languages I have been teaching myself have opened up levels of thoughts and depths of meaning that, heretofore, I didn’t know existed.  My outward life as a physician has been one of scientific endeavor relating to mechanistic and deterministic behavior of man and disease and my relationship to it. It was and is, to a large extent, superficial with little regard to the past, present and future of man.

This started to change almost two decades ago when, through a series of events and mental illness, I met and received the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord.  The melting of the hardness in me started at that time and has been ongoing ever since.  The sharp corners of my personality have been softened, rounded and softened by the Lord’s gentle love and power.  He continues to lead me into the wholeness of His person and His personality. My search for myself as a person and my relationship to others; my search for truth, virtues, rightness always leads back to Him who is propositional truth, and propositional love.  Since that day when Jesus entered into my being and has taken control my one response has been to know Him and to know Him as He wants to be known.  By doing this I want to reflect Him and to become one with Him as He is One with the Father.  At times, I find this easy and at times very difficult, both, related to my yieldedness to Him, and my own self assertiveness and self-will which always erects a barrier to Him and His Person.

This Journal is then a quest and a journey into Knowledge and relates of and with Personified Truth and how I do this.  I am not sure if it will be just rambling of thought and emotion or of meditations and insights.  Whatever it may be, I hope the central theme will be to know Him in an open and real way and to be a reflection of Him because indeed, I have my being and am because He is.

{This is my Dad’s unedited journal entry which simply means that I typed it exactly how Dad wrote it.  I hope those of you offended by grammatical error, will suspend judgement since this was written for himself alone.}

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2 thoughts on “The quest

  1. This was beautiful. No apologies needed for his wording or grammar. What a treasure you have in his journal.
    My Dad would not have been able to express himself like this, but his entire life was one of living his Christianity every day and me and many others were the recipient of his living out his faith.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Linda

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