I’ve been edgy and uptight and worried and snarky and just, well, *off* for the last week. It’s not pretty and I haven’t been easy to live with.
Lately, I suck at transitions. I don’t know if it’s age or if I’ve always been like this and I didn’t know it or if it has something to do with losing my dad, Or maybe, it’s the fact that my 3rd child left for college on Tuesday and my family is rapidly changing and it feels overwhelming.
He’s only been gone for three days, but I miss him. I miss tripping over his long board and seeing his red shoes by the door. I miss his funny noises and his great smile. Last night, as I got ready for bed I went to lock the front door then hesitated, trying to remember where he was and when he was coming home. Was he at work? Or a friends? Oh yeah, he’s not coming home tonight. He doesn’t live here anymore.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this college-loss. I wrote about it a few years ago in Two Empty Rooms. But this feels different. I don’t have three empty rooms now because my oldest moved back while he student-teaches. So it’s weird. Not three empty rooms but definitely an emptiness. So much change and yet not. Instead of #3 and #4 at home we have #1 and #4 and the dynamics are different. Not bad or good, but different. And the main point is, we’re not all under the same roof.
And saying good-bye to #3 was strange as well. Because of schedules and move-in times and XC practice and a quick run to Wal-mart for last-minute supplies, I didn’t really get to say goodbye. No hug. No last words of encouragement. No tears. It was so unceremonious and anticlimactic and the missing and sadness and reality of what took place didn’t hit me until last night.
All summer (actually starting last spring) it’s like I’m watching my family move in hyper-speed. Time, this precious era of the six of us as a nuclear family, slips away before my eyes. It’s not bad. It’s good. I know it’s good. Kids are meant to move away and become independent and live lives of their own. But the change and the letting go continue to cause upheaval and unrest in my heart.
Once again, I come to the place of trust; the place where I have no other choice than to let go. And I know that the God who created them loves them infinitely more than I do. And this same God leads, guides and directs each of their paths. And I rest in His faithfulness.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.” Jeremiah 31:3
Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,Your consolations delight my soul.